As I’ve continued to read through WTEWYE, I have been amazed at the number of things the author has found that pregnant women need to be wary of.  I’ve titled this blog post “Things that go bump in the night” as we take a tongue-in-cheek look at all the things you need to add to your list of worries while you’re pregnant.  Here are just a few:

  • The Superwoman syndrome:  getting rest during pregnancy is far more important than getting things done.  (Agreed, but not all of us have that luxury)
  • Make sure you have a gradual, steady weight gain (sorry, none of my pregnancies fit the bill–though my diet was consistent from week to week, I gained in fits and starts)
  • Remove temptations from your house!  No cake mixes in your cupboard or white bread in the bread box. (There are lots of healthy reasons for not routinely eating these things, but do we really need one more food item to worry about?  Killer cake mixes?)
  • Make sure your house can breathe–don’t caulk all the drafty areas! This is intended to cut your risk of indoor air pollution.  Ladies, start pulling the insulation out of the walls–oops, not a good idea–you might inhale fiberglass particles.
  • There is no way to totally eliminate indoor air pollution. The author states that everything around you–furniture, paint, paneling, carpets, etc., can give off invisible fumes.  She does admit that there’s no evidence that typical levels are harmful, but you will be more comfortable if you’re doing something to reduce invisible indoor air pollution.  Her suggestion, filling the house with plants, is an aesthetically appealing one.  However, it’s likely to instill panic and stress into women like me, who have black thumbs when it comes to keeping plants alive.
  • Noise pollution. The author admits it’s not known how–or if–this affects the fetus.  But, hey–you don’t have enough to keep your mind occupied while pregnant, so add this to the list!
  • Parasites and bacteria in your food. Oh no, did you undercook that soft-boiled egg?  Live in fear of your fetus contracting salmonella. . .
  • Your growing belly will make you more accident-prone. The author encourages shunning high heels, “sloppy slippers” and thongs, believing they will make you more likely to twist your ankles or fall.  On the same note, you are advised to install “grab bars” in your bathtub to assist you in getting in and out of the shower, and not to walk on slippery floors with your stocking feet.  Perhaps a walker might be in order?  On second thought, why risk it?  Order that spiffy wheelchair you’ve been admiring!
  • Nipple stimulation–careful, without medical supervision this could cause your body to release dangerous levels of oxytocin, which could lead to trouble.  Don’t try this unless your medical practitioner advises it.      Hmm. . .perhaps I should speak to my doctor about supervising my lovemaking during pregnancy–perhaps with a fetal monitor to ensure the baby is not being stressed?
  • Hot, dry air. We are told that this can cause breathing problems and respiratory ailments, so a humidifier is in order.  But wait. . .too much humidity can encourage growth of molds on furniture and plants!  Oh, dear–I think I’ll need to quit my job to stay at home and monitor the temperature and humidity in my house.
  • Swim caps: Believe it or not, this extremely risky piece of attire is best avoided because having your head wrapped in latex could cause your body to overheat enough to fry your fetus.
  • Emergency delivery if you’re alone. This is really laughable.  Ladies, if you find yourself about to give birth unexpectedly, you are directed to 1. Keep calm; 2.  Find a neighbor to help (right, I’m going to leave my home to search for help, with the baby crowning); 3.  Start panting (this is guaranteed to help you stay calm); 4. Wash your hands and the vaginal area (good advice!  We wouldn’t want any of the germs from down there to contaminate the baby.  Make sure you don’t touch the “sterile field”); 5. Spread some clean towels, newspaper, or sheets on the floor and LIE DOWN to await help.  (Whatever you do, don’t try to birth your baby in an upright position–lie down and do the best you can to make do without a hospital birthing bed and stirrups.  Perhaps you could lie on your back and place your feet up on a chair, to simulate being in stirrups.)
You can never be too safe!

You can never be too careful!

I have a better idea than all of the above suggestions.  I suggest we bring back the old Stryker frames for expectant mothers.  Women could be placed in the frame, in hermetically sealed rooms with air purifiers, beginning with their first positive pregnancy test.  Nurses would be present to monitor them and their babies, perform range of motion on their arms and legs, and turn the bed periodically.  Their food could be strictly monitored and tested for every possible hazard or contaminant.  Loved ones could view the expectant mother through a window and communicate via an intercom system.  Wouldn’t this be a much safer way to bring babies into the world?

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